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Pretender to the Throne

It's tough being In Charge:
So little time, so many brothers to keep in line.


Give a cat the Fishes, he eats for a day.
Teach him to use the Can Opener, he eats the Fishes whenever he wants.
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Nov. 20th, 2007 @ 10:40 am (no subject)
Maftet has nearly taken over my journal, these days. I kep expecting to show up and find she's made the decor all girly and pink. Then again, she isn't exactly a fluffy pink sort of kitten, is she? So, perhaps my color scheme is safe.
Anyway,you folks wanted to know the paternity of the most recent batch of kittens. I am fairly sure it isn't me. Masami tried to show me the ropes, if you know what I mean (and if you do, could you please explain it to me?), but it made me very uncomfortable. And that was before I got thrown in kitty jail for two weeks. So, I'm pretty sure it wasn't me, unless these things work much differently than I think they do.
Also, none of those kittens look at all like me.But they do look just like Mr. Sam. My peopleses were sure he had been fixed before he came to live with them. So they are very confused. They keep saying things like, "Clearly, he wasn't fixed enough." But that confuses me. If he was working well enough to become a daddy, at his age, he clearly wasn't broken. I don't get it.
Also, now they keep saying, "Well, now we know what caused his stroke." But that confuses me, too. I really don't understand the peopleses. They are a very mysterious species.
The peopleses say that none of the kittens are gonna stay here after they are weaned. I think that's a good idea: The house is getting kind of crowded. The peopleses say that the kittens would make good Cat-mouse gifts. I think that they will get kinda cold in Sandy Claws' sled, thoug. Their coats aren't that thick yet. As their might-have-been Dad, I do worry about the little buggers.
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FC thinks
Nov. 7th, 2007 @ 03:43 pm Maftet speaks again.
Hi, fwiends. It continues to be a season of change around here.

First, somebody pissed off the sun so it won't make stuffs warm around here. Me and my sibs were fweezing our wittle bippies off. The nakeds sometimes did some naked hocus-pocus stuffs to make the sun warm the bedroom . I think they trapped the sun in a small box and it was twying real hard to get out. Mr. Lev says that isn't the sun, it's a Heat Her. He might be right, because that box is mostly used to heat the she-naked.But I still think it's the sun they got in there. Which would explain why the sun is so pissed off and won't do any more work than Heating Her. The rest of the house has stayed cold. Real cold. My teefs were chattering all over the place. Mostly in my mouth, though.

Well, that changed today. There I was sittin' in the middle of the living room, glaring at the box full of blind rat things, trying to figure out how to get Unko Yuko to wrap me up in his big warm tail, when I heard this deep, terrifying rumbling growing in the back of the house. I ran to the kitchen, but I couldn't get to the source of the rumble. Then, I remembered the hole under the bafroom sink that I have spent many, many afternoons contemplating. You see, this hole is too small for a cayt, even a wittle kitten like moi, to fit into. I've stuck my nose as far into it as I could, using my superior feline senses to try to figure this hole out. No good. It wouldnt bug me, except that a bunch of my toys have disappeared from the vicinty of this hole. Wel, when that rummbling started, I was sure the Evil Hole Monster was emerging. So, brave feline that I am, I ran to the hole to do battle wif the Evil Doer, to protect my home from monsters. Suddnely, I could feel his hot breath coming out of the hole. He was close!

I pinned down my ears and prepared to Face Evil..

I scared him so bad that, not only did he not invade my home, but he threw all my toys back out the hole to me: three fuzzy balls, one squishy turtle, and a roly-poly strawberry! I am an awesome force!

Don't underestimate my feat of bravery, either: this is one big Evil Hole Monster.He's got this network of holes throughout the house (most of which the nakeds have been smart enough to block with bars). This monster is so huge that his hot breath has made the house toasty warm, almost like the nakeds hadn't kidnapped the sun for their own nefarious purposes. So maybe I can put him to work. As long as he doesn't steal any more of my toys and he stays out of my food, I can tolerate him living in the walls. And if he tries to get out of line, I will just have to slap him around a bit with my Awesome Feline Ferocity.

-Maftet Le Tueur des Serpents
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FC thinks
Nov. 5th, 2007 @ 12:48 pm (no subject)

Maftet and Birk


Howey schnorkies, you guys! There's been awot goin' on around here, wately. Fust, the she-naked got somefin called a New Chob. I dunno what that is, but it means she is never home and her 'pooter is never on. I decided I was mad at her and was gonna give her the Cold Showder of Def. But she'd have to be around for that and she never is. So, eff her, I decided.

Then, as soon as I was gettin' used to be horribly neglected, my home life got wreally screwed up! My mom started acting weird. Weirder than normal. even. She kept hitting me and my sibs. I don't know why. Maybe she thought we had done somefin really bad to Mr. Oscar, cause Mr. Oscar got real, real weak. All he could do was sleep and lie around and stuffs. I asked Mr. Oscar what was wrong and he said it was somefin called Old Age (like old Mr. Sammy had) and that he was being called to Bast. That was sad, cause I like Mr. Oscar and my sister Laika loved Mr. Oscar and she was gonna be real upset and stuffs. But it was good, at the same time, because it was Bast's doing, not somefin my mom could blame me or my sibs for. So I told Mr. Oscar I was sowwy he'd be goin', then ran off to tell my mom that it wasn't somefin she should blame us or hit us for. But when I found my mom (cause she was hiding in the Hidey Hole under the sink) she was bein' really, really, really weird: She was growlin' and huffin', and she smelled funny. Not funny ha-ha, but funny I-think-I'll-go-hide-in-the-other-room-away-from-you funny. Which is just what I did.

And, you know what? When I finally came out of hiding, Mr. Oscar had left for Bast and my mother had found the strangest new playthings. I don't really know what they are. My mom says they are kittens. But I know what a kitten is- because I am one! And I am nothing like those creepy little things. They don't look feline at all, as a matter of fact. I think they might be some kinda rat, or somefin. Heck, they don't even seem to have eyes, you guys. Seriously! Eyeless rats! Ewwww! And my mom snuggles them and licks them and spends all her time wif them. I don't like them at all, personally. I think they are stinky and can't imagine what my mom or the nakeds see in them. Stoopid little blind rat things.

Everyone keeps saying that the blind rat things look just like Old Mr. Sammy, who went to Bast at the end of the summer. I think they shouldn't say such bad things about Mr. Sammy, because he wasn't ugly at all. The nakeds also keep saying weird stuff about how they thought Mr. Sammy was fixed. That really confoosed me, because I remember then saying that Mr. Sammy couldn't be fixed after his stroke and that was why he was wif Bast. But I don't recall Mr. Sammy being broken in any other way, so how could he be fixed if he wasn't broken? It's all so very confoosing.

Mr. Lev says that I will understand things better when I am growed up. But, with broken kitties and blind rats and cranky mamas and trips to Bast, I'm not sure I ever want to be growed up!
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FC thinks
Oct. 10th, 2007 @ 02:05 pm Maftet speaks-
Hewwo, fweinds.
Sorrwy, I don't got a picture, today. The she-naked says she doesn't have the time to find it for me. How wrude is that? She also hasn't been letting me and Unko Yuko use the pooter lwately, either. He says it is because she got somefin called a Noo Chob. I have no idea what that is 'sposed to mean. What it means in pwactice is that she is never home when she is supposed to be and the pooter doesn't get turned on. She sucks. And that's the twuth!
Other than the she-naked not being home much, things are pwetty good arwond here. Turns out that the nakeds have decided to kepp my sister Bean, too. Bean was going to Go Away, like my bwother Zen did, but the nakeds changed their minds and now she isn't. That's cool. Now, me and Chow and Sato and Bean and my stoopid bitchy feline mama all get to Stay Here. Twuthfuly, I don't rweally know what else there is other than Here, but I don't wanna find out, either. I hope Zen likes it, whatever it is, not being Here.
You guys ever live wif your feline mamas? I do. And she is a bitch. I don't know what her pwobolem is, but she spends her whole day grwumping around the house, looking for kittens to beat up on. Unko Yuko says it is because of her Hoe Moans. She doesn't really moan, though. She just growls a lot. She's got a serious Ang Grrrr Management pwoblem. Mr. Lev says she needs more Nip. But, whenever we get nip, she steals all of it. Maybe that's her pwoblem. She's got a dwug pwoblem. She's a Quack Hoe. Hey, maybe that's what Unko Yuko means. She's Moaning about not having enough dwugs!
I am a ery smart kitten to figure this stuffs out, don't you think?
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FC thinks
Sep. 20th, 2007 @ 10:28 am (no subject)
Uff. My tummy is kinda queasy-icky-yucky feeling today.

I'm sure it has everything to do with the Inferior Foods that the peoples have been serving me of late. I really must begin insisting on something more suitable for a delicate creature such as myself. You know, something like caviar on crusts of cricket wings.

Or perhaps some cassoulet of sparrow and field mouse. Yes, that sounds much better than this lowly kibble stuffs.
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FC thinks
Sep. 10th, 2007 @ 08:01 pm (no subject)
So, as Maftet told you, we have Company.
She didn't bring that stoopid flashy thing to blind me with. So this time, Company might not be so bad.
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FC thinks
Sep. 7th, 2007 @ 05:03 pm Maftet here

Maftet and Birk



Hi, fokes.
I towd Unko Yuko that he should post, 'cause I was too busy hiding, but he said sumfin' wike "Bah, Ham-bugs," and then went into his lair for a nap. What's a ham-bug? Is it yummy? Sounda kinda yummy.
So, anyhoo, I get to tell you about stuffs.
And our "stuffs' is that we have Cwumpany. I don't know if I wike Cwumpany, yet. It's a bit scarwy. And it is, apparwenlty, the cause of the multipuwl appearwance of the Sucky monster. So, I am thinkin' that Cwumpany might suck.
It probabwy sucks.
All I really understand, right now, is that Cwumpany means we gots a lotta new junks in our house and an extra naked lady. She smells minda funny, too. Wike foreign cats. Hmm. We gots enough cats in here right now. I don't want anymore, thanks. And I'm not gonna share my foods with anymore cats. No way.
Mr. Lev says that Cwumpany doesn't stay forever. If they did, they wouldn't be Cwumpany any more. Sounds compwicated to me.
But life is kinda compwicated, I am beginning to see.
And kinda stwessful.
But I'll be okay, as long as the Sucky monster doesn't come back.
And as long as someone fills my foods bowl soon. It's lookin' kinda empty.
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FC thinks
Sep. 5th, 2007 @ 07:15 pm More new stuffs

Maftet and Birk



Maftet, here again.
How arwe you all today, fokes? Me? I'm pwetty good.
I think.
You see, there is awot of stuffs goin on awound here, this week. The horrible scweaming sucky monster hasn't been back, but Mr. Lev says to expect him any minute. I thought, at first, that he was jus' messin' wif me. He does that sumtimes. It's why I hiss at him so much. I don' wike bein messed wif. A goddess hasta lay down the law, you know. And no messin' wif me is one of my laws!
Turns out, though, that he isn't jus' messin' wif me. Unko Yuko says the same thing. He says that the naked ones are gettin' ready for a Bisiter. I don' know what a Bisiter is. Do you? All I know is that they awre movin' around my stuffs and making things smell just awful. The naked lady spent hours in the bafwoom yesterday spwaying stinky things all over the pwace. She musta not wiked the smell, eiver, 'cause after she had spwayed the stinky stuffs, she then spent hours wiping up all the stinky stuffs. How weird is that? Of course, the stinky stuffs was so stinky that the bafwoom stink was stinky like it afterwards. Phew! Mr. Lev says the stinky stuffs is called Bweach, and we kittens should stay away fwom it. Again, I thought he was messin' wif me and trying to keep sumfin good all to himself, like he did when he told me that Buttah was poisonous to kittens, so he was gonna eat it all up to pwotect us fwom it. He's like that, you know. Which, againl, is why I hiss at him so much. So, I went to check out this Bweach stuffs. And I'll tell you, if that stuffs is sumfin Mr. Lev wants to keep all to himself, he can have it! Wooooofuh! That stuff's is too stinky to be anything I wanna be near! Phooooooo!
We got sum good stuffs goin on though, too. Mr, Naked Guy went to sumfin called a Fam-Mahs Mah-ket this morning and got this stuffs called Cown Onda Cobs. He bwought it home and me and my sibs spent the morning chewing on the gween stuffs the Cown Onda Cobs is wrapped in. Verwy tasty. Kinda out-doorsy. But then the naked female pulled off all of the gween stuffs and this stringy stuffs to reveal the Cown Onda Cobs. I tried to eat those, too, but she got mad at me. Mr. Naked Guy put them Onda Cobs in some hot stuffs and brought them back, later. Then, this is the rweally good parts guys, they smuvered the Onda Cobs in Buttah! And I luuuuuuuuuuuuv me some Buttah!
After the naked ones had sharpened their teefs on the Onda Cobs, they gave me and Mr. Lev the Onda Cobs. Mr, Lev, of course tried to convince me that the Onda Cobs were poisonous, too. But I knew better, since the Buttah was involved. Oh, oh, oh! They were tasty indeed! Wasn't that nice of the naked ones to make such a dewicacy for me and Mr. Lev's for wunch? I saw Mr. Naked Guy put my Onda Cobs in the big tall Bin of Goodness in the kitchen. For safe keeping, undoubtedly. I think I might go pull out my Onda Cobs and have a wittle snack.
Sounds like a pwan. Talk to you fokes lwater.
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FC thinks
Aug. 29th, 2007 @ 01:55 pm Maftet, here, from the darkest corner under the desk
Current Mood: scaredscared

Maftet and Birk


Hewwo, fokes.
I never knew the worlwd was such a verry, verwy scarwy place. I've been verwy jumpy since this past weekend, when the peace of my home was distruptided by a tewwible, tewwible monster. It was awwfuwl! I don't know where the guy came fwom; he musta bwoke in or sumfin.
I was curled up, under the endtable, alternating between napping and a bit of a baff. All was quiet. The female naked one had gone off to do sumfin called "work", leaving me, my sibs, and the male naked one at home. I thought we were alone, but I thought wrong!
Dthere I was, slweeping and stuffs, when all asudden-like, this sqweaming monster dude shook me from my slweep.
rrrrRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRrrrrrrrr!!!!!! he said.
I didn't say nuffin back. I was too busy squooshing mysewlf further back under the table. When I got the nerve to look out, I didn't see nuffin' to connect the squeaming to. But I knew we were in serwious twouble when I saw the great big, huge, enowrmous Feral Cat dude running for cover into the bedwoom. Being much, much tineier that him, I decided I should pwobably follow, but it took me awhile to get up the nerve to ventuwre out of my hidey-spot under the table. That wroawring monster seemed to be getting clwoser and clwoser and louder and louder and I knew sumfin that big and loud and angwy-soundin was sure to eat up any wittle kitties he found hiding, like me. Sound I swallowed hard, cwosed my eyestight and ran like my wittle butt was on fire into the bedwoom.
Phfew! I made it! I thought I would go under the shelf where the naked guy keeps his stuffs to cover his furrlessnesses, but the Feral Cat dude was alweady hiding there. So, I squished myself rweal, rweal small and swid under the shelf that the TV sits on. And I didn't come out for days.
It was like a month or sumfin before that squeaming monster dude finally went away.
The Lev-Cat says this monster is pwoperlwy called the Screaming-Sucky Monster. I don't reallwy care what his called. I just don't ever want him in my home again! Sadly, Lev says that this monster comes around every so often. And, you know what? Lev says that this monster does eat cats. His prwoof is that all of the cat furr that was on the flwoor and in the corners is gone. And, you know what else? Lev is right! Apparently, if he can't find a whole cat to eat, it will take the closest this it can find! Stuffs like kitty furr and kitty litter and the kitty foods, even, that I had been saving in a corner near my bowl for a snack later!
Dthat's one scarwy monster you guys!
Worse than that is that I think the naked ones like this monster dude. When she got home, the female naked one told the naked guy that the floor looked rweally nice after the sucky monster had eatin up all of the furrs and stuffs! Pfffuh!
I haven't seen him since this weekend, but I've been expecting his return at any minute, so I've been hiding in the shadows a lot, this week.
Scarwy, scarwy, scarwy!
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FC thinks
Aug. 28th, 2007 @ 05:11 pm (no subject)
I know most of you are friends with both lev_cat and me, so you already know our sad news. But, if you aren't, or missed his post yesterday, please go read this.
I am too sad to write about it myself. And Lev did a very nice job of explaining it.
RIP, Sam buddy.
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FC thinks